You might want to upload the Google Maps app to your Blackberry...

If you're not from New Jersey the following post might not make any sense, just an FYI. I'm in the elevator yesterday leaving work (19th floor). The elevator stops at like 15th floor and when the doors open two women are talking, one in about her late 20's and two in about her 40's.

#1: so where did you grow up then?

#2: oh well, I grew up in central Jersey

#1: oh where?

#2: Middlesex county

#1: OK, like Manalapan, Marlborough?

#2: No, that's the shore...

#1: ohh?

#2: yea, Middlesex like Scotch Plains near the Watchung hills.

OK, so I understand that Manalapan & Marlborough are both in Monmouth county but to call it the SHORE is a little absurd. I live in Middlesex (technically) but I'm really only two towns over from them. But Scotch Plains is NOT Middlesex county, that's more like Union and probably not near the Watchung Hills which is probably Somerset county... Good thing you live on the Upper East Side now, or did you really mean the Lower East Side?

One is actually not the loneliest number...

So I realized one of my biggest pet peeves is popping up a lot recently: why must people press the button to the elevator one million times when it's evident you have already pressed it once, or worse they pushed it once themselves already. It really drives me up a wall when I see this happen, especially when the person presses it over and over about six times at rapid fire. I mean, do you really think that's going to help the elevator that is clearly on 29th floor get down to the lobby any sooner? It's plain and simple, what goes up must come down, so take a second, check your blackberry it's going to take some time, but I promise that elevator will come to you with just one press of that little button.

I hear the blow dryer business is also failing...

So I was waiting for the bus (139) in NJ this morning, and at this bus stop there are usually on average about 4 buses that go by that are full before you get on one. There are also two buses that pass, buses to the Port Authority and buses that go directly to Wall Street. There is a girl in front of me who was already waiting there when I walked up, and she has basically soaking wet hair. Note this morning was about 38 degrees. Every time a full bus went by she was whining to herself and stomping her feet on the ground. Then two consecutive buses to Wall Street pass...

girl with wet hair: Oh my god, another Wall Street bus?! Isn't the economy failing, come on!

Maybe you should wake up ten minutes earlier so you don't have to stand outside with wet hair. Perhaps that would make your daily routine a little more pleasant, no?

The letter U is replaceable but V...

The side block to our building has a Wendy's on one side and on the other there is a McDonald's and there is a high school right around the corner. So naturally kids go crawling around these parts once school is out. It becomes the craziest scene ever, kids just screaming and yelling at one another and on their cells phones. While standing outside the side entrance to our building I heard this:

girl screaming into her phone over traffic: DID HE TAKE YOUR V-CARD!?

Right, that is a completely appropriate statement to scream outside on the streets.

Quick call the US Mint...

I make a run to the bank everyday for work (on 3rd ave between 58th & 57th) and its usually pretty empty. But today both tellers were taken care of costumers and I was patiently waiting my turn. A man in his late 50's was cashing a check and the teller gives him is money and the man examines a quarter that was given to him and says the following:

man: Take this quarter back it's no good!

(bank teller looks at him with a confused look)

man: It's an Alaska quarter but there's no Sarah Palin, I got a moose but no Sarah, something's wrong?!

man 2: (loudly and proudly) HA YEA THE MOOSE KILLER!

man 1: yea imagine if that moose killer becomes OUR vice president, we'll have to be the United States of Moose-merica

Well, besides my political views clashing with this man's... HE SAID MOOSE-MERICA!! REALLY!? That is all... I will leave it at that.

Yes, without this building, time stops...

I don't think my jaw has ever hit the ground before after something I've overheard, that is until last night. Walking to the port authority ready to hop on my bus and head home, I see a young couple. The couple (around 22-24 years old) were spotted outside the New York Times building on the 41st & 8th side and they had the following exchange of words:

guy: Oh look the New York Times building lets stop real quick

girl (very confused): ok...? Is this where all the city's clocks are controlled?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I almost wanted to stop and wait for the guys response but alas I was far too shocked and only minutes from catching the bus I need to get on. So I continued onward to the port authority but not without mulling over that statement. I hate to say it but it's girls like that who bring the "dumb blonde" phrase to an entirely new level.

I thought garbage would have been the answer...

In Starbucks this morning, this older man (probably late 60's) was buy a pound coffee to have grinded he said the following thing to the really friendly and pretty barista (probably in her late 20's)

man: You know something that smile of yours could sell me anything. In fact, I think it could even sell me the Brooklyn Bridge

Really? The BK Bridge? That's the best he could come up with? Guess so.

Don't put words in her mouth...

This actually happened last week, but here it is now. I was in line at H&M on Lexington Ave between 58th & 59th (during a fashion emergency crisis post-work). I overhear two girls behind me in school uniforms, I'll assume high school juniors or seniors.

girl 1: ...Yea I'll have to ask my brother where that is

girl 2: Oh you have a brother? I didn't know that, is he older or younger?

girl 1: (very quickly) Yea, he's older. But he's not cute, you wouldn't want to date him

girl 2: haha, what? I didn't even mean it that way

girl 1: ok, but I'm just saying he's the black sheep of the family and he's ugly and smokes pot

girl 2: Honestly, I was just asking how old he was because you've never mentioned him... geez

This girl was flipping out about her brother, it was too funny and her friend was like weirded out about the crazy vibe. I got a weird vibe like she was "the ugly friend" and everyone wants to date her cute, pretty friends which makes NO sense because its a brother/sister thing. SO weird

Trust me I'm not being nice...

I'm breaking out of the normal character for this blog right now, you'll get over it. But this has to be about how annoyed I am by this one man who is a regular on my bus every morning. This guy gets on at the second to last stop and sometimes I can get away with having the seat to myself, but I've noticed that this man (who from here on out will be called Mr. Tubs (short for Tubby) ) if the first seat is taken on the bus then he ends up next to me (I always sit in the 4th or 5th row).

I wouldn't care so much except this man is larger so he overflows onto my seat and I just have a stigma about any part of my body touching a strangers body for an hour bus ride. So when Mr. Tubs sits next to me I usually stand up for a hot second and slide all the way against the window, which gives him the audacity to take up even more room. LISTEN TUBS, I'M MOVING OVER SO OUR THIGHS DON'T TOUCH, GROSS.

Then he usually takes out a book, and this involves an endless amount of elbowing. It shouldn't annoy me but like every time he turns the page if I'm not scrunched up against the window he's touching me.

I think the worst part about this guy is that everyone the bus hits the breaks or the bus slows up he's looking over the seats or into the aisle to figure out what the hold up is. DUDE CALM DOWN! If ten minutes worth of traffic is going to make or break your morning take an earlier bus and chill out.

In short, Mr. Tubs is the worst and I pray that before his stop no one takes the first seat on the bus.

/end rant.

I saw Rocky this morning...

This morning I'm walking out of the Port Authority and there's a dude in front of me and he's walking all normal but the second he gets outside he starts BOOKING it I mean RUNNING. But what was truly funny was that as he got to the corner he grabs an a Metro from the dude handing them out on the corner and doesn't miss a beat, and continues to haul ass across the street. This man grabbed the paper like it was a cup of water during a marathon, I swear in his head he must have been singing "gotta fly now".

In my mind though it reminded me of those old Starbucks commercials where the guy had his own theme music, "ROY, ROY, ROY, ROY!"

It's probably a time travel machine...

On my way home from work yesterday I was on the subway (N, going uptown) and I saw the craziest old (probably homeless?) man trying to make conversation with a fairly friendly girl (probably about twenty) who had a tall fan tower.

crazy man: hey, what is that?

girl: a fan

crazy man: what does it do?

girl: moves the air around, keeps you cool

crazy man: HA, just use ice! That's what I always do

girl: right, ok

crazy man: how much did that cost you?

girl: like $50

crazy man: I'll give you $5,000 for it

girl: no, I think I'll just keep it

crazy man: ok, I don't have $5000 anyway

HAHA.. I love people on the subway too much. This girl looked so uncomfortable but probably only because everyone sitting around her and this guy were hysterical laughing and just watching the whole conversation unfold. This crazy guy proceeded to then talk to a black guy who was reading a paper with Obama on the cover about how Obama is "down with America, I feel him brother, don't you brother?" ... what a coo-coo banana's guy.

Good use of pick up line # 174 ...

Yesterday on my lunch break I was strolling down Lex in dire need of Jamba Juice, and witnessed something that I actually found legitimately funny and wanted to proceed to have a conversation with these two people I saw. First I'll explain there are two ladies walking towards me and two suits (sexy suits, if I might add) walking along side me. The one lady does a crazy criss cross move on the sidewalk and her friend accidentally steps on her flip flop leaving her friend off balance and falling, without shoe. The sexy suits are walking right into this mess:

sexy (suave) suit: whoa, whoa (tries to catch lady falling over)... look at that, you just fell head over heals for me.

lady: haha yea I guess I did, too bad my lunch break is over


Honestly, the dude didn't even sound like an ass when he said that. I give him credit for being able to speak so cleverly at a moments notice. For the first time I'm reporting the stupidity of not what someone said but the fact that homegirl dropped the ball so badly on a potential courtship, and that's where today's stupidity comes into play haha.

She must not get that a latte...

Honestly, my starbucks mornings are golden. Usual starbucks, different people, always the same level of stupidity.

barista dude: venti ice coffee

girl: thanks

barista dude: have a "grande" day

girl: listen it's too early for insults and I'm only 110 pounds for the record

Really? You think the guy who just made your coffee called you fat? Perhaps it was a pun... obviously it went over all 110 pounds of her. Yikes...

So I stand corrected...

Sadly, I have to totally take back the mockery I made of that man on the bus in my last entry. I've been informed by my nearest and dearest beer loving friend, Jeff, that Stella does in fact NOW own Anheuser-Busch as of a month ago!? This completely flew under the radar for me: internet proof

My greatest apologies for calling out an innocent man... I promise to climb out from underneath my rock I've apparently been under and be more in touch with life.

CHEERS.

This will probably cost Ireland the Olympics...

OK so I take a local bus into the city in the morning. It makes about 6 or 7 local stops before getting onto the parkway. For those of you who have never experienced this, for the most part the people on this bus have been doing so for years, and people make small talk with "Hey its Joe from the bus, how ya doing buddy". I'd like to make up names for these two men I overheard this morning, just for fun because I'm pretty sure it's accurate haha. Also, they are probably in their late 40s.

(both men are sitting in aisle seats next to one another on the bus, in the row behind me)

Joe: so anything new going on?

Steve: not too much, but hey I'll tell ya this, have you ever had Stella, as in the beer?

Joe: yes, it's a pretty solid brew.

Steve: you're not kidding, I feel bad for my Irish roots but I have stock in Budweiser so I'm going to drink up regardless.

Hi Steve, let's chat for a second. You have stock in a publicly owned American Brewery right? Well, you're new favorite beer is made in BELGIUM. And you're Irish, so basically I'd say you're fucked.

Honestly, do people even know where anything is made or from anymore? Jesus h...

Not something people say out loud...

I have no idea what the relationship was between the guy and girl I overheard in Starbucks (my usual spot on 57th between Lex & Madison) this morning. But I sat down and heard these two (in their late twenties) talking and this is what I heard:

girl: yea well, he's still in college

guy: (reluctantly) oh is that right?

girl: (jokingly) yea, ya know, love those 18 year olds

guy: me too!! (probably joking, with serious undertone)

Man, who says that out loud? I mean, had I missed the first two lines of that I'd would have thought they were sick people. You never know who is listening, Jesus H.

Also! I really do think this woman may have been Ms. Cin-faux de Mayo, ya know the girl who thought London was like a whole other country.... my guess is it could have very well been her.

Which part of Japan is that located...

I forgot about this little gem I overheard while eating a quick lunch in Wendy's (3rd & 57th). Two ladies in about their late 30s have the following conversation over some fine dinning.

lady 1: so my piece of shit car finally died on me

lady 2: oh yea? that's too bad

lady 1: yea, I'm going to try and find a cheap used one again. who needs a nice car living in Harlem, right?

lady 2: understandable, well if you're going to buy a car make sure it's a Japanese car, only kind I'll trust, I swear by anything like Toyota, Honda, Audi.

lady 1: yea makes sense, I hear only good things about Japanese cars.

whoa, whoa AUDI... das ist ein German auto! Audi does not even sound Japanese! Who is this lady and how, at her age, does she still not know where certain cars are manufactured. Not only do I know where the majority of cars are made, I could name you three beers from each of those countries.

Apparently the iPhone is hard to get...

Yesterday in Starbucks I hear some kid talking on his phone saying how he's been buying 5 iPhones a day and selling them on e-bay for like $500-750!? Hi, no wonder why normies can't buy iPhones if they wanted to because gypsies like this broski are buying them in bulk and selling them on the internet for way more than they're worth.

Simply brilliant, in a terrorist sort of way.

Bad lines, and bad hair apparently...

Few weeks ago I was getting off the subway (the N to be exact) and overheard a group of three guys, probably early 30's. (for the record it was a really hot and humid day, and to be fair the subway is usually hot even in December...)

guy 1: man there's like no air, there's no air. get it guys it's funny, kinda like that song on the radio

guy 2: no, it's not funny because you're adding words

guy 1: well it wasn't funny when you tried adding hair to the top of your head but we laughed anyway then.

Well, that was a pop culture failure, thanks guy.

Daft who...

A few weeks ago I went to Urban Outfitters on my lunch break. I overheard the following conversation while waiting in line to try on my clothes in the fitting room:

(MIA album is playing throughout the store)

16 year old girl: man what is this music? its like techno...

her friend: yea its like daft punk

girl: oh yea def

friend: remember when Kanye West stole that song and no one knew who it was

girl: yea I mean I bet he thought because no one knows who daft punk is that he could just use it and people would think it was him.

***WHAT!??! YEA THAT'S TOTALLY IT

continued convo:

girl: so I can't wait to go to college and buy everything for my dorm here

friend: yea that would be awesome

girl: and I know I def want to go to school in Europe.

friend: oh awesome, you might like the crazy American with all this stuff from Urban

girl: yea I guess haha... but I'm def going to Europe, my mom made go visit over there to get a feel for the country.

friend: that is amazing

girl: yea and the school I looked at Prince William went to. but thats not as good as Prince Henry I'd rather it were him who went there.that might make me change my mind.. I guess I'll just look into NYU

friend: that's what I'm thinking, we should just go to NYU and be roomates.

My brain exploded for sure listening to these girls. OMGZ lets go to NYC together and be roomates because we're BFF 4 LYFE... Or maybe you're not going to college for ANOTHER THREE YEARS!?

London is not a third world country...

So you'll come to find that I spend my mornings before work in Starbucks, whether it be for 2 minutes or 20 minutes. So I hear/see some silly things, the following conversation happened about two months ago during my first week at work.

Lady is in her mid-twenties and she is meeting with her real estate agent (who is the king of bullshit, on the record)

lady: yea I mean i'm looking for something that is a fit for me, ya know you're either an east side girl or a west side girl... theres really no inbetween

real estate: right right, I understand thats why I'm here

lady: because you know I don't want to be surrounded by frat bros and their yoga moms

real estate: understandable, I wouldn't subject anyone to that

lady: and I mean I lived in London and it wasn't right for me. you don't tip bartenders there and all commerce shuts down by 11pm. I need coffee that late, and worse the pubs close then too. you need a special license to stay open past then and be considered a "club". I mean 11 pm, that's first call in NYC ... its like a whole different country.

**UHH YEA LADY IT IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT COUNTRY ....

she also then went on to explain how she's 10% mexican and to celebrate her heritage she has a cinco de mayo party every year. but this year she had to have it late and just had (this is the beginning of June, FYI) and since it was past the date she called it "cin-faux de mayo"

this lady tore me up inside I have no idea how I didn't laugh out loud while attempting to read my book and get some caffeine going in my blood.

- Sidenote: I had submitted the beginning portion of this conversation to the official overheard in NYC site and it was featured on the site. haha