Lunch time calls...

I'm all about eating on the go, as I'm a habitual offender of eating while driving. But I might have just witnessed the most hilarious lunch on the run: lady walking down 58th street (between Lex & 3rd) with a gladeware container of fried chicken... she was just strolling down the block nom-ing on a chicken wing hoovering over her plastic container. Simply outrageous.

I should have cut him... with a knife...

So this morning I was feeling really good about it being Friday (after what felt like the longest weekend in some time) and it was the first day of spring! Much to my dismay I woke up to snow, hello mother nature life crisis. Also by accident last night set my alarm for 7:30am instead of the usual 6:30am (no idea what my thought process was last night?)

Already I was out of sorts, I was not prepared to clean my car off or dig out my rain boots. Therefore I forfeited my breakfast in effort to do the previously two stated things (and yes, my morning is down to a science by the minute, so every second counts). Finally I get my butt out the door, and start my trek to the bus. Of course any sort of weather element that is not sunny with a high of 75 people of the great state of New Jersey can't handle it and drive with a comical amount of caution.

Anyway, I get to the bus stop and I'm the only one there which really means I just missed a bus and will have to wait at least 10-15 before another ones drives by (whether full or not: TBD). After about 5 minutes a man is now waiting behind me, and 5 minutes later another. A bus drives up and it doesn't say whether it's a Wall St. or Port Authority bus, because it says "Bus full another one following" on the display (instead of the route). But the bus stops to let TWO people off. The last man in line approaches the bus to ask if its a Wall St. bus, it's not so he backs away. But the guy who was behind me just barrels past me and GETS ON THE BUS!?! I WAS CUT!? REALLY....

I didn't immediately approach the bus because:
A. the bus said it was full on the display
B. the light was red and I thought perhaps the bus was just stopping as to abide the law
C. when I realized people were getting off, I politely stayed out of their way so they could exit safely

But no, this man went with D. NONE OF THE ABOVE. Perhaps he went with choice D because in fact he is a D. HE CUT ME... a grown man cut the line? This would have been an issue I would have gotten over quickly except that two people got off the bus leaving room for two people to get on. This man got first dibs, and got a real seat (and a window seat, I love window seats in the morning!). Guess where I got stuck? Back row, middle, feet on the hump! (well actually the seat next to the middle person) but still 5 grown humans sitting in one row is miserable!

I sit down, put on some Sufjan Stevens and I turned the air nozzle on (that is rightfully above my seat) because it gets warm on the bus and I also get motion sickness and for some odd reason cold air blowing in my face helps diminish the side effects. Also the further back in the bus the more likely I am to feel a little nauseous, its sorta like how on roller coasters the back is the best because it like flies off the track, etc. except on a bus it's just a miserable experience and there is zero thrill.

The girl sitting in the middle about 10 minutes after I turn the air on, reaches over me and closes my air vent!? I open up my eyes and stare over at her and she says "I hope you didn't want that on"... "OH NO IT'S OK YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT", and then closed my eyes and went back to my happy nap place. REALLY?!? You just took it upon yourself to climb over me and turn off my vent? I would have been ok with her tapping me on the shoulder and asking if maybe I could angle it in a different direction, but to just go ahead and do what you want, not ok.

Then to make it worse, 15 minutes later after cutting off my air supply, she falls DEAD asleep and proceeds to lose control of her upper body. She is now bouncing back and fourth between me and the man next to her like the ball in the video game pong. UNREAL. I hate being touched by strangers, it just bothers me I'm not sure why. Whilst all of this is happening all I could do was notice how three rows up the man who cut me and stole a regular seat from me, is sitting next to what looks like a normal man, reading a newspaper, awake, and not thrashing about in a coma.

Above all I was mad I missed out on my morning 45min nap... I hate people and public transportation.

The wheels on the bus, throw up and down...

I have the worst luck with NJ transit buses, I've been working in the city for seven months and within those months my bus has broken down 9 or 10 times. That's a terrible percentage. Last night I went to a show and was on a later bus (around 11:15PM) and I had a different sort of bad luck last night. My bus did not stall, break down, get into an accident or even get a flat tire. Here's what happened:

About 20 minutes into the ride home (which is just about 1/2 way there) people from the middle of the bus go "BUS DRIVER! THERE'S A PROBLEM" and for some reason I panic and think someone has discovered there is a bomb on the bus or something, like all of sudden I'm in a Keanu Reeves movie (re: Speed). The driver can't really hear what's happening so well, and wants details and louder. But no one from the middle of the bus is articulating properly what the issue is. Then someone finally proclaims that a girl is sick and has thrown up everywhere.

Now to be graphic for a second, about ten minutes prior I THOUGHT I SMELLED VOMIT... but then I kind of wrote it off like "nah, can't be" and I assessed the smell to be STRAWBERRY MILK... Sidenote: I've ruined strawberry milk for myself, forever! Not like I really have ever enjoyed it before in my life, but now I can't for sure.

OK, so back to the story. The bus driver yells that we're so close to the first stop and that she's going to get us there then see what's going on. People are now starting to chit chat and talk amongst themselves about the horrible smell/situation, while I'm breathing into my decorative scarf like it's an oxygen mask that falls from the overhead compartment on a plane.

Quickly and safely we arrive at the first stop and people who are lucky enough to have reached their destination RUN off the bus like they were fleeing from a burning building (women and children first off course!)

There are two women* who have fully analyzed the situation and giving an extensive report to the bus driver. (*Note: these women are in their late 40's and are probably coming back from a "girls night" in the city. Which probably meant they just saw "Jersey Boys" and ate dinner at Carmine's in true bridge and tunnel fashion). The two women have discovered the girl has thrown up all over herself and the aisle and is now resting with her head in the lap of the young man she was sitting next to. Best part is, the young chap is not with her... he just happens to be sitting next to this girl (who, at this point, is PASSED OUT). So the bus driver is like "WAKE UP GIRL!" and she's basically dead but the driver wants to rescue the innocent boy who is trapped next to her.

Bus driver finally picks this girl up out of her seat and plops her down in the next seat. Boy leaps up and sits in the very first seat on the bus (wise choice). People on the bus are now passing newspapers to the middle of bus to put ontop of the vomit river in a group effort to mute the smell.

Bus driver's golden line: "Good Lord this bus has been a victim, DANG!"

Then the bus driver says there's nothing more she can do, people can get off if they want and wait for the next bus otherwise she promised to "smoke em down Route 9". (Sidenote: it's now about midnight)

Thankfully my stop was next (and only about a 1/2 mile away from the first stop). I ran off that bus like Forest Gump. Even after I got home I could still in my mind smell vomit, it was horfic. I layed down to go to sleep but I literally couldn't deal and had to jump in the shower and fully cleanse myself!

GOD BLESS NJ TRANIST, NEVER A LET DOWN!

Lots of sights...

Ok, so recently not too much to be overheard but I've seen lots of things so I'll compile the running list I've had in my head for about a month...

I saw a little boy (on Lex between 58th & 57th) wearing a ski-mask like hat, but it was shaped like a ninja turtle head. So it was a green hat, with holes for the eyes and a colored head band. The kid was also karate kicking down the street while holding onto the baby stroller his mom was pushing with a younger sibling, it was ADORABLE.

Along the same lines, I saw a kid (on 3rd between 54th & 53th) with a ski-mask like hat but it was shaped like the Jason mask from Friday the 13th. Kid was maybe 12, and was spotted about 4 days before the release of the movie remake.

Yesterday on the R (downtown) a blind homeless man (who I have seen before) was walking down the middle of the cars singing. His second song was Rod Stewart's "If you think I'm sexy", which was terrible to find amusing given this man's situation and I actually would have not found it funny except I made eye contact with the suit standing next to me and he was trying to hard not to laugh, he looked like his body was going to explode and shoot out little smile face emoticons.

Finally today, I saw a large woman on one of those ride on scooters and she was flying down 3rd avenue (between 59th & 58th). Her scooter had a bike bell on it and she was vigorously ringing it as she flew down the street, I suppose in order not to run down a group of suits walking to work. The funny part about all this was as she got closer I noticed sitting on the platform of the scooter by her feet were THREE DOGS!?!?! It was just a very interesting sight to say the least.

How much do we owe strangers, ethically...

So I faced a moral dilemma yesterday while waiting for my bus in the Port Authority after work. Oddly enough I had arrived at the same time I usually do to catch the most convenient bus (the 133 @ 7:30 pm). But yesterday, I suppose due to the unfavorable weather conditions, there was already a huge line of about 25 people (normally at that time there’s only about 15 people, with the bus being full at about 25-30).

So I begrudgingly take my place at the end of the line, imaging how that spot on line will land me a seat next to a fat man in a little coat, or a disrespectful single 30-something female who will talk to her lady friend via cell phone the whole way home about her life is so tough, 3 dates in one week not one suitable guy. (Side note: he’s just not that into you)

Anyway, after standing on line for about 15 seconds a lady (I’d say in her forties) gets in line behind me and says “I’m just going to put my stuff down real quick and run to the ladies room”… sure, no problem. If you’re not familiar with the world of commuting, it’s customary for one to leave their personal belongings in line as a place keeper (or a physical “dibs” or “fives” if you will) while they head the bathroom or to grab the daily paper or perhaps a quick snack to hold them over on the bus ride home. Usually this is done when said commuter know there is ample time to do their business then step back in line like they never left.

Yesterday by some weird chance, they started allowing people to load onto the bus about 5 minutes early (which doesn’t seem to out of the ordinary, but for the port authority, trust me that’s like getting your mail-in rebate check from that washing machine you bought within 6 months time). So now the line is moving and this lady is still in bathroom and her jacket and purse are just sitting on the floor.

I felt the social responsibility spotlight over my head, so I grabbed this lady’s items and inched up on line to not throw off the rest of the line behind me (and of course to assure I still get to have somewhat of a pick of where I sit on the bus). People continue to board the bus and no sign of bathroom lady, I still have her things in my hand and allow the people behind me to go ahead. I felt so uncomfortable holding this strangers personal belongings but I also had anxiety that I couldn’t leave her things hanging out in the middle of the port authority bus terminal.

Finally I see the lady walk out of the bathroom, and there’s a panic on her face that said “where did all the people go and where are my things”. So I rapidly walk her direction, and if I could have thrown her stuff at her I would, but I politely hand her items over as she is thanking me up and down. I just selflessly say, “Oh no worries, I just didn’t want to leave your things in the middle there alone”

We swiftly walk over to the gate to board the bus and then I hear her say “Oh this the 133?! That’s not what I need”

OH MY WORD… all that and she didn’t even get on that bus! I still feel confident I made all the right choices, but for at least 1 minute I felt betrayed and my good deed was in vain.

Then of course once I get on the bus, my immediate analysis of the situation was: Only window seats available (I shoot for aisle seats because I’m the first stop and don’t to have to make people get up so I can get off the bus), the last row middle seat, one aisle seat open next to (I called it) fat guy, little coat, and oh wait what’s that…! …an open aisle seat next to a normal looking man in a properly fitting suit. So naturally I B-line for the last option in the series. As I near I see the guy has his coat and brief case on the seat next to him, so I politely say “excuse me” and then he starts huffing and puffing and looking around where to put his belongings on his lap and whatnot. Sorry sir! The bus is nearly full, get over it! You’re not special you don’t get a seat for your things (unless of course the bus has 15 people on it, then by all means, take that chair next to you as your own).

An adventure, always!

You know, I thought it felt like 1912 today...

Yesterday was another exciting morning on the 133 local to new york. Apparently a bus like an hour beforehand had broken down about four stops after I get on, therefore each subsequent stop had way more people waiting then the average day. The bus is usually full by the last stop but after about three stops before that the bus was full, leaving lots of angry people waiting outside. Lots of people were voicing that our bus was the fourth to go by with no seats. With that a few people got on, with zero reservations, to stand because they just needed to get into the city at that point.

By the last stop there were about 20 people waiting there and the driver stopped to say no seats and the first man in line went NUTS at the bus driver (who is completely not responsible for the mess)

Angry man: Are you kidding me, you're the fourth bus with no seats this is ridiculous! I'm paying your high rates, and FOR WHAT?!? 45 minutes I've been out there freezing my ass off, I feel like I'm waiting for a life raft on the Titanic, this is freakin unbelievable!!!

Yes, you are absolutely right sir this situation reminds me exactly of the Titanic... too bad you're standing now. What does that make you steerage/lower class? Oh well, never let go right?

Flip that, rewind it back...

In Starbucks this morning as per the daily grind (no pun intended... ok, maybe a little) and I'm waiting for my barista to make my latte. All of a sudden I hear this man sitting at one of the first tables talking at an unusually high volume, so I nonchalantly gaze over my shoulder to analyze the situation more closely. Turns out, it's this large black man (maybe about 50 pounds shy from acutally resembling Big Black from Rob & Big). He's sitting at this table with one of those old school tape players/recorders, microphone and all. He's talking, well yelling, into the microphone having conversations as if he is on the telephone then stopping the tape and replaying the conversation but fast forwarding and rewinding through the playback sporadically.

It was as if he was imagining to be in a hide out van working for the FBI. He was saying things like, "Alright man well keep my posted, I'm on standby". But then the next moment/next conversation recorded would be like, "Hey buddy happy fucking new year, here we go again, right?".

It was simply gold, I sat back and read my newspaper and watched from afar as the next grouping of people waiting for their drinks tried to analyze what exactly was happening.

You might want to upload the Google Maps app to your Blackberry...

If you're not from New Jersey the following post might not make any sense, just an FYI. I'm in the elevator yesterday leaving work (19th floor). The elevator stops at like 15th floor and when the doors open two women are talking, one in about her late 20's and two in about her 40's.

#1: so where did you grow up then?

#2: oh well, I grew up in central Jersey

#1: oh where?

#2: Middlesex county

#1: OK, like Manalapan, Marlborough?

#2: No, that's the shore...

#1: ohh?

#2: yea, Middlesex like Scotch Plains near the Watchung hills.

OK, so I understand that Manalapan & Marlborough are both in Monmouth county but to call it the SHORE is a little absurd. I live in Middlesex (technically) but I'm really only two towns over from them. But Scotch Plains is NOT Middlesex county, that's more like Union and probably not near the Watchung Hills which is probably Somerset county... Good thing you live on the Upper East Side now, or did you really mean the Lower East Side?

One is actually not the loneliest number...

So I realized one of my biggest pet peeves is popping up a lot recently: why must people press the button to the elevator one million times when it's evident you have already pressed it once, or worse they pushed it once themselves already. It really drives me up a wall when I see this happen, especially when the person presses it over and over about six times at rapid fire. I mean, do you really think that's going to help the elevator that is clearly on 29th floor get down to the lobby any sooner? It's plain and simple, what goes up must come down, so take a second, check your blackberry it's going to take some time, but I promise that elevator will come to you with just one press of that little button.

I hear the blow dryer business is also failing...

So I was waiting for the bus (139) in NJ this morning, and at this bus stop there are usually on average about 4 buses that go by that are full before you get on one. There are also two buses that pass, buses to the Port Authority and buses that go directly to Wall Street. There is a girl in front of me who was already waiting there when I walked up, and she has basically soaking wet hair. Note this morning was about 38 degrees. Every time a full bus went by she was whining to herself and stomping her feet on the ground. Then two consecutive buses to Wall Street pass...

girl with wet hair: Oh my god, another Wall Street bus?! Isn't the economy failing, come on!

Maybe you should wake up ten minutes earlier so you don't have to stand outside with wet hair. Perhaps that would make your daily routine a little more pleasant, no?

The letter U is replaceable but V...

The side block to our building has a Wendy's on one side and on the other there is a McDonald's and there is a high school right around the corner. So naturally kids go crawling around these parts once school is out. It becomes the craziest scene ever, kids just screaming and yelling at one another and on their cells phones. While standing outside the side entrance to our building I heard this:

girl screaming into her phone over traffic: DID HE TAKE YOUR V-CARD!?

Right, that is a completely appropriate statement to scream outside on the streets.

Quick call the US Mint...

I make a run to the bank everyday for work (on 3rd ave between 58th & 57th) and its usually pretty empty. But today both tellers were taken care of costumers and I was patiently waiting my turn. A man in his late 50's was cashing a check and the teller gives him is money and the man examines a quarter that was given to him and says the following:

man: Take this quarter back it's no good!

(bank teller looks at him with a confused look)

man: It's an Alaska quarter but there's no Sarah Palin, I got a moose but no Sarah, something's wrong?!

man 2: (loudly and proudly) HA YEA THE MOOSE KILLER!

man 1: yea imagine if that moose killer becomes OUR vice president, we'll have to be the United States of Moose-merica

Well, besides my political views clashing with this man's... HE SAID MOOSE-MERICA!! REALLY!? That is all... I will leave it at that.

Yes, without this building, time stops...

I don't think my jaw has ever hit the ground before after something I've overheard, that is until last night. Walking to the port authority ready to hop on my bus and head home, I see a young couple. The couple (around 22-24 years old) were spotted outside the New York Times building on the 41st & 8th side and they had the following exchange of words:

guy: Oh look the New York Times building lets stop real quick

girl (very confused): ok...? Is this where all the city's clocks are controlled?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I almost wanted to stop and wait for the guys response but alas I was far too shocked and only minutes from catching the bus I need to get on. So I continued onward to the port authority but not without mulling over that statement. I hate to say it but it's girls like that who bring the "dumb blonde" phrase to an entirely new level.

I thought garbage would have been the answer...

In Starbucks this morning, this older man (probably late 60's) was buy a pound coffee to have grinded he said the following thing to the really friendly and pretty barista (probably in her late 20's)

man: You know something that smile of yours could sell me anything. In fact, I think it could even sell me the Brooklyn Bridge

Really? The BK Bridge? That's the best he could come up with? Guess so.

Don't put words in her mouth...

This actually happened last week, but here it is now. I was in line at H&M on Lexington Ave between 58th & 59th (during a fashion emergency crisis post-work). I overhear two girls behind me in school uniforms, I'll assume high school juniors or seniors.

girl 1: ...Yea I'll have to ask my brother where that is

girl 2: Oh you have a brother? I didn't know that, is he older or younger?

girl 1: (very quickly) Yea, he's older. But he's not cute, you wouldn't want to date him

girl 2: haha, what? I didn't even mean it that way

girl 1: ok, but I'm just saying he's the black sheep of the family and he's ugly and smokes pot

girl 2: Honestly, I was just asking how old he was because you've never mentioned him... geez

This girl was flipping out about her brother, it was too funny and her friend was like weirded out about the crazy vibe. I got a weird vibe like she was "the ugly friend" and everyone wants to date her cute, pretty friends which makes NO sense because its a brother/sister thing. SO weird

Trust me I'm not being nice...

I'm breaking out of the normal character for this blog right now, you'll get over it. But this has to be about how annoyed I am by this one man who is a regular on my bus every morning. This guy gets on at the second to last stop and sometimes I can get away with having the seat to myself, but I've noticed that this man (who from here on out will be called Mr. Tubs (short for Tubby) ) if the first seat is taken on the bus then he ends up next to me (I always sit in the 4th or 5th row).

I wouldn't care so much except this man is larger so he overflows onto my seat and I just have a stigma about any part of my body touching a strangers body for an hour bus ride. So when Mr. Tubs sits next to me I usually stand up for a hot second and slide all the way against the window, which gives him the audacity to take up even more room. LISTEN TUBS, I'M MOVING OVER SO OUR THIGHS DON'T TOUCH, GROSS.

Then he usually takes out a book, and this involves an endless amount of elbowing. It shouldn't annoy me but like every time he turns the page if I'm not scrunched up against the window he's touching me.

I think the worst part about this guy is that everyone the bus hits the breaks or the bus slows up he's looking over the seats or into the aisle to figure out what the hold up is. DUDE CALM DOWN! If ten minutes worth of traffic is going to make or break your morning take an earlier bus and chill out.

In short, Mr. Tubs is the worst and I pray that before his stop no one takes the first seat on the bus.

/end rant.

I saw Rocky this morning...

This morning I'm walking out of the Port Authority and there's a dude in front of me and he's walking all normal but the second he gets outside he starts BOOKING it I mean RUNNING. But what was truly funny was that as he got to the corner he grabs an a Metro from the dude handing them out on the corner and doesn't miss a beat, and continues to haul ass across the street. This man grabbed the paper like it was a cup of water during a marathon, I swear in his head he must have been singing "gotta fly now".

In my mind though it reminded me of those old Starbucks commercials where the guy had his own theme music, "ROY, ROY, ROY, ROY!"

It's probably a time travel machine...

On my way home from work yesterday I was on the subway (N, going uptown) and I saw the craziest old (probably homeless?) man trying to make conversation with a fairly friendly girl (probably about twenty) who had a tall fan tower.

crazy man: hey, what is that?

girl: a fan

crazy man: what does it do?

girl: moves the air around, keeps you cool

crazy man: HA, just use ice! That's what I always do

girl: right, ok

crazy man: how much did that cost you?

girl: like $50

crazy man: I'll give you $5,000 for it

girl: no, I think I'll just keep it

crazy man: ok, I don't have $5000 anyway

HAHA.. I love people on the subway too much. This girl looked so uncomfortable but probably only because everyone sitting around her and this guy were hysterical laughing and just watching the whole conversation unfold. This crazy guy proceeded to then talk to a black guy who was reading a paper with Obama on the cover about how Obama is "down with America, I feel him brother, don't you brother?" ... what a coo-coo banana's guy.

Good use of pick up line # 174 ...

Yesterday on my lunch break I was strolling down Lex in dire need of Jamba Juice, and witnessed something that I actually found legitimately funny and wanted to proceed to have a conversation with these two people I saw. First I'll explain there are two ladies walking towards me and two suits (sexy suits, if I might add) walking along side me. The one lady does a crazy criss cross move on the sidewalk and her friend accidentally steps on her flip flop leaving her friend off balance and falling, without shoe. The sexy suits are walking right into this mess:

sexy (suave) suit: whoa, whoa (tries to catch lady falling over)... look at that, you just fell head over heals for me.

lady: haha yea I guess I did, too bad my lunch break is over


Honestly, the dude didn't even sound like an ass when he said that. I give him credit for being able to speak so cleverly at a moments notice. For the first time I'm reporting the stupidity of not what someone said but the fact that homegirl dropped the ball so badly on a potential courtship, and that's where today's stupidity comes into play haha.

She must not get that a latte...

Honestly, my starbucks mornings are golden. Usual starbucks, different people, always the same level of stupidity.

barista dude: venti ice coffee

girl: thanks

barista dude: have a "grande" day

girl: listen it's too early for insults and I'm only 110 pounds for the record

Really? You think the guy who just made your coffee called you fat? Perhaps it was a pun... obviously it went over all 110 pounds of her. Yikes...